(hypnotic flute music) (audience laughing) - my daughter has made mydepression way more creative. because before my daughter,my depression was just like hey, you know, everythingyou do is going to end in annihilation and entropyso what's the point? i'm like shit, you're right. you win again depression. (audience laughing loudly)
but not i got this littlenugget of endorphins, i'm like i don't give a shit, (cartoon baby punches) who cares, she's cool. my depression's like shit. i gotta find another way. so my depression has reallylearned to pick its spots. last time it got me, it was pretty clever, i'll give it credit.
(zips in) it was a tuesday, like 11 in the morning, and i went to a grocerystore near my house, so just get that visual in your head. it's a grocery store,11:00 a.m. on a weekday. there's like six other people in it. it's basically empty. i just went in therelike, i'll walk around, see if i need anything.
which, if you think aboutit, is a very debauched roman emperor way to go shopping, where you're like, i'll just walk up, line all of your goodson parallel shelves. i shall walk by and reviewthem and see if anything catches my fancy. (wheels squeaking) work harder for myattention, hard pretzels, if you want to ride in my chariot.
i end up in the frozen food aisle. i'm looking at a shelf of lean cuisines. so get that visual in your head. it's a wall, it's like the white box with the little orange corner, well it's the orangecorner if you're getting the cafe classics, andit's the green corner if you're buying the spa favorites. there's a lean cuisineto fit every lifestyle,
am i right, people? it's a pretty fantastic productwhen you think about it. i'm getting 25 thousand for this setup, so if you could just bear with me. alright, so i'm just looking at 'em. oh, thai noodles with peanut sauce, okay. pasta primavera, meh. and as i'm looking at allof them, toto's africa started playing on the ambient music.
i don't know if it was thecombination of 11:00 a.m. on a tuesday, leancuisines, toto's africa. i have never felt morepeacefully, effortlessly, joyously suicidal, and it wasn't even despairor, if i had a gun right here, i would have just broughtit up, one smooth movement, just like oh, they havefrench-crust pizza, du-du-du-du (gun cocks) (blood splatters)
(makes slow-mo effect) like if someone had beenat the end of the aisle and seen it, and the copsare like, what happened here? it's like, he was lookingat these lean cuisines and then toto's africa,and the cop's like, oh yeah, he killed himself, he's fine. yeah, he committed suicide. we know, he's good, yeah. oh, he died happy just throwhim on the loading dock,
he's okay. what check for a note? no, this is the note. all this, the frozen food and the yeah. he's fine, trust me. then something even sadder happened. i saw a lean cuisine i wanted. (angelic choral music) you should never stand in frontof a wall of lean cuisines
and have this thought, oh! that's not good, but there it was. mezzaluna mushroom ravioli, i want it. take if off the shelf, i'm looking at the heatinginstructions on the back. move tray from carton. cut a slit in the plastic to vent. place it in the microwavefor two and a half minutes. remove, peel back the plastic,
spoon the sauce over the ravioli to coat. replace the plastic, putit back in for two and a, when i saw put it back in, i was like no. (groaning and shouting) what am i, emeril? i just wanna eat. (groaning) then i spent what must havebeen six minutes of my life looking at the backsof other lean cuisines
until i found one,glazed chicken over rice, which i did not want,but the instructions were remove tray from box, don't even cut a slit, this is 2013. put in the microwave for five minutes. that's it, there's my dinner. that's what i'm having fordinner is lack of effort. that is what i'm going toeat, a big steaming plate of lack of effort.
(audience applauding) so that evolutionary track is done. if we started off as a species (tribal drums music) hunting food, trapping it,killing it, rendering it, cooking and eating it. and that track led to metaking a tray out of a box, putting it in a bigger box,hitting a single number, and then going
♫ i'm gonna have glazed chicken and rice ♫ it's gonna come out and taste so so nice ♫ i'm gonna put it on a plate ♫ maybe eat it twice when i have my ding, yay, okay we're done. we are done, that's right. welcome to the finish line, humanity. (eerie music over factory puffing) (eerie theremin music)
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar